A local single mother has been given just 12 weeks to live after her rare cancer diagnosis advanced to her brain. She is now spending what little time she has left to prepare her four children for her departure.
Almost two years ago, on a Friday afternoon, Donna Bartho, 55, arrived to her Northern Beaches home from school pick-up, unsnapped her bra and flicked it across the laundry floor, only to notice a bloodstain on the strap. She booked a GP appointment to assess what she thought may be an irritated mole. Three days later, she was told she had cancer.
A battle of defiance and hope ensued until a month ago, when the realities of her disease shifted: “I was called in for the oncologist appointment, and literally they held my hands, told me it was the very, very, very worst that they could imagine,” Donna retold, her voice rasping as she relives the tragic update.
“It had spread to the brain.”
Metastatic (Stage IV) melanoma was the diagnosis, a disease estimated to have affected almost 17,500 Australians last year. However, Donna says she is the only person in Australia to have it on her windpipe, and 43 in the world.
Now, with over two dozen brain tumours, the Narraweena mother is in a race against time to physically, financially and emotionally prepare her children, Jake, 25, Skye, 23, Zack, 19, and Ruby, 16, for what’s to come; Ruby is still only in year 11, and Jake who lives with severe mental disability and autism.
“I really thought that I’d beat melanoma, with 21 brain tumours, I’m probably not going to win. I have to be realistic. What I have to do is get my kids ready,” Donna said.
Her kids have created a GoFundMe, aiming to raise 20K to pay for the remainder of their mum’s palliative care and funeral expenses. But, donors will notice another unusual request: the repair of the family pool. What seems like a non-pressing final wish priority actually reveals a mother’s need for reassurance that her disabled son will have a place of emotional stability through a time of confusion and stress after her passing.
Jake’s condition makes it difficult to regulate his emotions. The pool calms him significantly, providing an outlet.
“Of course he’s suffering emotionally; he’s not silly, he’s not dumb, it’s not that he can’t feel and think things he does. He tells us he loves [us], he’s not supposed to be able to do that.”
“I don’t want [the kids] having to be threatened with Jake going somewhere else, and then feeling like they failed when I could have possibly gotten this organised, because it’s not just me that wants him with his family. I’ve really rediscovered how strong his siblings feel about this. I need to make it the best I can for them.”
A Journey Of Will, Woe and Wonder
Manly Observer was contacted by a friend of Donna’s as well as her daughter Skye to share her story. Donna had said how comforted she was when she saw how the community rallied behind a young girl when she lost her mum and hoped the same for her own kids.
Her children describe their mother as someone who dedicated her life to giving to others. From teaching kids with disabilities to swim at Fisher Road Special School, volunteering for 15 years at P&C, or convincing NSW Health, while on the board of parents, to keep the space for Dalwood-Spilstead Centre, she was always looking to help with what she believed in.
Donna was particularly proud of her catering business, as well as her unwavering service to Narraweena Public School’s canteen.
Her humbling embrace was apparent upon visiting her home. A grand hello from Donna was shortly followed with apologies for the informality of her bathrobe and fluffy white slippers. An outfit which was all but soon forgotten as she introduced us to the vast number of bird species flying wild in her backyard. A family-favourite being engulfed by the laughs of Kookaburras.
“I wonder if that’s a night bird,” the youngest daughter, Ruby, says teasing her older brother Jacob, in a personal joke about his former naivety as to the existence of bats.
The 16-year-old currently has the weight of the world on her shoulders, embarking on her senior year with a fate no teen should have to experience. But her courage is of the highest admiration as she sat by her mother’s side during an impossible interview to discuss her own mother’s impending death.
“That’s all she’s ever been to me. She’s always been that superwoman,” she said, “we’re really just looking after each other and doing what we can for each other, and obviously you know our world is shattered.”
The family is a busy one: the youngest son, Zack, is currently studying for a double degree in Law and Politics, and Skye works full time in the city at Lorna Jane and is preparing to take care of her brothers and sister.
Donna admits she felt 10 ft tall and bulletproof before her recent terminal diagnosis and was convinced her health would persevere. But life can be unfair and cruel; the mother sharing she can’t help but feel angry for the moments she will miss like visiting Scotland or taking her kids to Disneyland.
The cost of the funeral is also a worry; already conceding if they can’t raise enough money for a casket, she is happy to ‘settle for a pauper’s funeral’ as long as there is somewhere for her kids to visit and she can achieve raising enough money for the repair of Jacob’s pool.
She has already seen the strength of community support. A group of the kids’ former primary school teachers have already agreed to prepare Ruby for her Year 12 formal, assisting with picking her dress, and organising hair, make up, and transport. All the things Donna would’ve loved to help with herself.
“Ruby’s formal will be next year, end of school HSC, Year 12, and I’m gutted… but they’ll make her feel special; they’ll love and adore her,” Donna said.
“You can’t imagine that the people that teach your children, could play such a pivotal role years down the track.”
The GoFundMe has also caught some traction, raising almost three quarters of the 20K asked. But in the past weeks, the fundraising has hit a snag, and with time running short for the family, help from the community is needed now more than ever.
Final Wishes and Remarks
Donna doesn’t know how long it will be until her symptoms start becoming visibly debilitating; she says doctors had already expected her condition to have her bedridden, in addition to seizures and impaired speech.
Perhaps because she has always been a proud independent fighter and knows there is still work to be done. “A woman’s stubbornness is known as a man’s determination,” she proclaimed during our chat.
Donna’s final messages – to not only the community but also her family – initially concerned sun safety, sharing her tale as one of caution, pleading others to constantly have their moles checked.
The second message was a legacy of her life lived and how she hopes her children and her community will live.
“Grab life with both hands. I’ve lived, I’ve loved hard, grab it with both hands,” she said.
“If you can do something for somebody, do it. I actually mean that, and that’s what my kids were raised on. If you can do it, do it.”
If you can spare some help for Donna and her family, you can do so at their GoFundMe here.
